Because she reminded me of you… That’s one of my favorite lines from a Gin Blossoms song, named appropriately “Cheatin’.”
I’ve been thinking about this cheating thing a lot lately, mostly as a results of comments and emails stemming from my post about friendly relationships with men. I guess I still don’t get the apprehension related to men having relationships with women. Is it really a fear of cheating? And more importantly, what do you consider cheating to be?
Chris and I view cheating very differently, this is something that we have discussed before. As horrified and hurt as I would be by a one night stand, that pales in comparison to how I would feel if he were having what I have deemed an “emotional affair” with another person. In this country, we’re so quick to define sex as a basis for a relationship, but it’s not. A real relationship isn’t about the sex, even if sex is involved. You can have sex – even good sex – with another person and still not be compatible enough with that person to maintain a relationship outside of the sex. Case in point: a good friend had a “sex only” relationship with her high school boyfriend long after high school was over. Whenever she was out of a relationship (and honestly, sometimes while still in one), she would get the itch and call him for sex. It meant nothing as far as she was concerned – or so she said. I don’t get how you can have a relationship for that long and not have any emotional attachment, but maybe that’s just me.
The bigger point is, though, does sex have to be involved in a relationship in order to label it cheating? And if so, why then would women be so concerned when their husbands and boyfriends have female friends? Is a fear that it might become sex? Or is it more sinister… this fear that a female friend might make some emotional connection?
Explain this to me, please.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I do not think sex is necesary for a relationship to be “cheating.” I think if someone else becomes the person that my partner can’t wait to see, wants to tell everything to, gets butterflies at the thought of being with … I would feel cheated on. If someone else became the “primary relationship” in my Beloved’s life, I would feel betrayed.
At the same time, I would be very upset (and hugely surprised) if he did have (just) sex with someone else.
I also think that the former type of “cheating” can only happen if somehow our relationship deteriorated to the point that we weren’t filling that role in each other’s lives. The latter I believe can happen as a true “mistake.” And therefore, something I think I’d have an easier time moving on from.
It’s an incredibly complicated subject, perhaps one that I will blog about myself, but, in short, I agree that sex doesn’t necessarily have to be involved for someone to cheat on a partner. I do believe in “emotional cheating” and think it’s much more detrimental to a relationship than a one night stand type of mistake sex thing.
Ultimately, I think the women that you speak of are very insecure in their relationships with their husbands/boyfriends and don’t trust them enough for them to have female friends. That could be the men’s fault, too, though, in that they don’t make their wives/girlfriends feel secure. But then again, why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t make them feel secure?