Some Time to Clear My Head
This is what I need: some time to clear my head.
But that’s the funny thing about being a mom, huh? That time to clear your head never really happens. Cause even when you’re off, you’re on as a mother.
Slowly, though, I’m beginning to make sense of some things…
Number one on my list is that I need to take better care of myself. I’ve been whining about it for eons but I really have been making an effort. I’ve kept three doctor’s appointments - three (gynecologist, GP and GP follow-up). That’s a record for me.
I’m taking my vitamins - okay, still not 2x/day because I’m not that good. But I have them in my kitchen and most days, I manage to take at least one.
I’m walking every day, sometimes doing crunches, sometimes running. I have lost (as of today) 29 pounds and I’m down 2 sizes. This is just huge for me. Really huge. My goal is to manage 18 more pounds. If I make it, I’ll be at the best weight for me in maybe 15 years. Fingers crossed.
I’m trying to get out of the pattern of taking everything quite so personally and feeling like I need to fix everything - this part is harder than losing weight.
My dad’s health scare was really stressful but I said what I needed to say about it to my parents and I let it go. I cried a lot but I didn’t try to interfere.
Likewise, my brother’s divorce. I realize that it is killing my parents - my mother carries it around in her heart. And it has been really difficult for my brother (clearly). I’ve made it very clear to him that I’m around if he needs me - and I keep texting and calling to check in - but that’s it. I’m not trying to fix it. I understand that I can’t. I feel so badly for him but it is what it is.
I’ve given up on trying to understand what’s going on in Amy’s head. I’ve stopped therapy which I know some folks view as a step backwards, but I needed to make sense of this on my own. When I tried to rush her to get out of the car the other day, she looked at me very seriously and said, “Mom, I’m just a little girl.” And wham, it hit me. She is. Yeah, it seems obvious, but if you think that, you don’t know Amy.
Similarly, I refuse to listen to those who tell me what a terrible mistake I’m making by letting Charlie dictate whether he goes to school. Call me a pushover if you want but I just can’t think of any reason to make him go. I seriously doubt he’ll be screaming at the entrance to Harvard, “No, I don’t want to go to school!” And as much as I’d love to have some time to myself to get some things done, it’s not necessary since I work mostly from home these days anyway. The trauma is simply not worth it right now - I have bigger fish to fry. This week, I read that I’m not the only mom in the same situation; somehow, that makes me feel a lot better.
Katie continues to love school. Her Back to School Night was this evening and she couldn’t have been more excited. It was good to see her this enthused about school. My fears about the school year are slowly slipping away.
I’m learning to say no. I’m making the effort to not allow people to make me feel replaceable. I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to be opinionated and passionate about things.
It has been a long summer. And sometimes a painful one. But definitely productive. These revelations, these actions, they are coming in baby steps. But they’re coming.
March 24th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
Does typepad offer site feeds? I forgot to be manually checking your site since the switcheroo (which I’m still contemplating for myself). I tried to sub with bloglines, but it said you don’t have a feed.
March 24th, 2006 at 8:35 pm
What zuska said.