Ick.
I hate humidity.
I hate it when Chris travels.
And that should sufficiently prepare you for my stream of consciousness, sleep-deprived sweaty diatribe. You’ve been warned.
I once asked my mother if she had any regrets about having children when she did. I expected one of those, “No, I wouldn’t change a minute of it” type replies wherein she waxed poetic about how motherhood was the best thing that ever happened to her. Imagine my surprise when she paused and said, “Well. Sometimes, yes. I wonder what I might have done differently.”
I’ve wondered this myself, you know, whether I would have done things differently. Today is one of those days.
I’m generally a fairly optimistic person. And even when I get into a slump, I can usually pull myself out. But lately, it’s getting harder and harder.
I am fully aware that this week is particularly bad because Chris is gone. And it’s not one of his short trips. It’s a long one, ten days. Katie, in particular, is a Daddy’s girl. She does not react well to change. The two are a deadly combination.
At one point today, I yelled at her, really loudly. I shouted “Shut up!” three times. At the time, Katie had just ransacked the family room. Amy came in and pooped right there - in the middle of the family room - a first. Charlie was screaming his head off. I took Amy took down the hall to the potty. She was crying hysterically. I had to wipe her off and put her in the shower. Her bathing suit (yes, she was wearing her bathing suit) had to be rinsed and thrown into the washer. Charlie was mad because he had woken up and wanted to be picked up. He screamed for five minutes straight. And in the middle of all of this, with Amy crying on the potty, Charlie crying stuck to my leg, and my cleaning up Amy’s sh*t off of the floor, Katie would not stop asking questions - those five year old rhetorical questions just to aggravate me. The final straw? “Mommy? Why did Amy poop in the family room?”
Well, Katie, I don’t know why. You tell me why she f*cking pooped in the family room?
But I didn’t say that. I said, instead, “Katie, be quiet.”
She was quiet for a second. I was trying to finish cleaning, Charlie still glued to my leg, and get back to Amy, who was poopy (all the way down both legs) on the potty. And then Katie said, “Mommy? Why did Amy poop in her bathing suit?”
And I replied, “Katie, Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” And left the room.
Amy was still hysterical. I wiped her off and put her in the bathroom. I cleaned her up, toweled her off, told her that I loved her but I needed her to be a big girl for me. And I started to cry. I tried really hard not to, but I did.
I went back to the family room and picked Charlie up. I told Katie that I was sorry for yelling, that it wasn’t a nice thing for me to do, but that I was frustrated. I told her that I needed her to listen. And then I collapsed in the chair - for a minute. It was dinnertime.
It’s now 10:15 p.m. and the kids are still awake. Well, Katie and Amy. Amy has already been taken out of her room once this evening. She’s tired and refuses to admit it. They won’t sleep. They’ve complained about everything imaginable.
I don’t know about them, but I’m exhausted.
And when I get exhausted, I think too much. Which brings me back to my earlier point. Now, with a few minutes to myself, my mind is racing.
And little bits of regret are creeping in, which is something I’ve tried very hard to not have. I’ve often said that I want to live my life and not be able to look back and regret things - everything happens for a reason.
But lately, I’ve been having a lot of those pangs of regret - or is it resentment? I’m not sure.
I don’t love my life right now. And yes, I know it’s easily explained away with “you’ll feel better when Chris is home” but I don’t know that it will. Chris and I had a big talk before he left about a lot of things that need to change with respect to our collective stress levels and such. We have had similar talks for the last few months. We have yet to make any real changes. He’s stressed - over work, over his dad’s health, over finances. I’m stressed - over the kids, over my own parents, you name it. I kind of feel like our lives are rushing past us and we’re so busy trying to just keep up that we’re missing everything. My kids are growing up so fast and I feel like I am spending more and more of my time just managing them and not enjoying them.
It is an utterly horrible feeling.
June 26th, 2007 at 3:41 am
Hello, I really identify with this post. I almost always regret and resent and then regret and resent that I regret and resent and so on and so forth… And the worst thing is I’m not allowed to ‘complain’ because I get phrases like: “You wanted a bike, now pedal” thrown at me (referring to the fact I chose to have 3 kids)… What kind of reasoning is that? What about riding downhill every now and then - no need for pedalling there! Why does it always feel like I am pedalling uphill?
All this rambling to say: I so understand what you feel like right now. When we are feeling vulnerable it is so hard and then suddenly we bounce back and think, ‘What was all the fuss about!’ — that feeling will come. Wait!
All the best, Pacha
June 26th, 2007 at 6:20 am
I, too, really identify with this post. Most days the chaos of living with three children and nurturing a law career pushes me to the brink. I’ve yelled at my children to “shut up” especially when their whining reaches a fever pitch.
I only complain to my husband and he gets it, but as he’s pointed out to me, there is no turning back. I’ve found no easy way to deal with it, but I am grateful that at least two of my children will be old enough for summer camp next year.
June 26th, 2007 at 7:21 am
I hope you feel better. I’m not as close to this as you - I’m fortunate to have care for my two year old, and my big girl is “Almost 10″. And my baby isn’t here yet. But what I hate are those times I have to parent solo. It’s hard, even when it’s just two kids and one is an extraordinary helper. There is no time for me, and no time for me to just sit in the chair and zone out for a few minutes. And that takes its toll.
Hugs to you. You sound like you need one. I’m sorry I can’t do more.
June 26th, 2007 at 7:50 am
I’m so sorry, hon. I too can relate. I had a week much like that not long ago, when my husband was in the last throes of the school year and was mentally not present among all the papers he had to grade, finals he had to write, etc. I likewise got very resentful of my older son especially (the younger one isn’t a year yet) and the more frustrated I got, the more acting out he did. It truly was a vicious circle and I did have many moments of wondering why I chose to have children.
Hope the rest of the time flies for you. And I hope you can take a day and go somewhere, just you, when Chris gets home. Take care.
June 26th, 2007 at 8:08 am
Pacha, I completely understand. I have friends who don’t have kids - for a variety of reasons - or have fewer children than I do and if whine for a minute, I am quickly chastised with the “children are a miracle” argument. I don’t disagree that I am lucky to have my children, but sometimes they don’t feel quite so miraculous. And I want to whine. And why is it fair to take that away from me?
June 26th, 2007 at 8:09 am
LawSchoolMom -
Summer camp? You are sooo lucky!
June 26th, 2007 at 8:11 am
devil and Christa,
Thanks for the kind words. Sigh. I know it will get better, it just feels awful.
It reminds me of studying for the bar exam when you keep telling yourself “it’s only two days of your life”…
Chris will be home in a week or so, and maybe we can finally work some of this stress out.
I can’t imagine how people with more than three children do it.
June 26th, 2007 at 9:08 am
Yeah, it was about a week for us too. And we did work out the stress. We’re potentially moving this summer, and I told my husband: “I am not dealing with stress all summer. It’s been a hard year and I am going to enjoy myself. If the move happens, it happens, but I won’t let the summer pass me by.” And for the most part, that’s worked out.
That said, I do know how hard it is to talk sans kids. You plan to talk one evening and then that’s the night the baby throws up and the older kid won’t sleep. Then by the next night, you’ve forgotten, or let the time go by. Ugh.
By the way - totally unfair for other people to invalidate your vents. Everyone’s stressors are valid because everyone has different triggers. Making each other feel guilty is just one more ugly aspect of the Mommy Wars. Shame on those people!
June 26th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
{{{{{Kelly}}}}}
June 26th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
totally totally totally relate. i’m sure most every mother on the planet can, especially after reading the sequence of your night. and oh how the nonstop stream of rhetorical questions (from my 4-year old) threaten to drive me into a hole from where i’ll never come out. hang in there. is there anything else?
June 26th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
My son is four (or will be in a few weeks) and I swear some days I want to slam my head into the closest brick wall. I cannot even imagine having more children to raise the stress level. ((((HUGS)))) I bet many, many mothers have been in the situation you were in and felt the same way. At least you handled it well and didn’t say something harsher that you would have regretted or lashed out/hit her. Perhaps thinking about what you did RIGHT will put this in perspective and make it easier. I think you handled this highly stressful situation really well considering.
June 27th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
I’m so sorry. This truly sounds like an awful day. I hate days like this because I am always left feeling spent, guilty for bitching over problems that may not necessarily be big in the grand scheme of life, and then irritated at the flash of guilt.
I hope that the next day was better!
June 27th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
My week parelleled yours except my husband was home and we were both miserable. We even wondered how far we would let social services take them. We decided they wouldn’t even be able to put them in the car and that made us both smile and relax a bit. I am very tired of being 50% at everything. Wife, Mother, Career. I like to give 100% but I’m divided too much. Hang in there and if you find the correct division of labor please pass it on!!
June 29th, 2007 at 9:22 am
W -
I am so in agreement. I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions all of the time. It is ridiculously hard.
And Christa and others -
The criticisms about mothering are excruciating. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again that women punish each other for their choices far more than men do. It’s so… stupid. I realize that I’m lucky to have three beautiful children. That does not mean that I do not have days where I am completely spent and just want five minutes to myself. That doesn’t make me a bad person - but there are plenty of people who are happy to be there to jab. I get (and I’m sure you guys can relate) the “why did you have children if you complain about them?” and the “children are a gift from God, you’re lucky to have them, stop complaining” and the even more popular “you knew that three would be challenging, you should have planned better.” And most of these comments are not from strangers.
July 3rd, 2007 at 8:46 pm
I got here from Christa’s website. It’s refreshing to hear someone talk about motherhood honestly — and it’s frustrations.
I have 2 — 2 years and 2 1/2 months. Part of me would love 3 (and my husband would, too), but I don’t think I’d deal well with the increased stress. Thank God the baby is an easy one. I feel so blessed by that. But even with “just” the two of them there have been days recently when I’ve wondered why I ever thought having kids was a good idea!
I adore them and am so grateful for them — and I don’t want to wish the time away — but Kindergarten is looking good.