lawmummy

This is what I need: some time to clear my head.

But that’s the funny thing about being a mom, huh? That time to clear your head never really happens. Cause even when you’re off, you’re on as a mother.

Slowly, though, I’m beginning to make sense of some things…

Number one on my list is that I need to take better care of myself. I’ve been whining about it for eons but I really have been making an effort. I’ve kept three doctor’s appointments - three (gynecologist, GP and GP follow-up). That’s a record for me.

I’m taking my vitamins - okay, still not 2x/day because I’m not that good. But I have them in my kitchen and most days, I manage to take at least one.

I’m walking every day, sometimes doing crunches, sometimes running. I have lost (as of today) 29 pounds and I’m down 2 sizes. This is just huge for me. Really huge. My goal is to manage 18 more pounds. If I make it, I’ll be at the best weight for me in maybe 15 years. Fingers crossed.

I’m trying to get out of the pattern of taking everything quite so personally and feeling like I need to fix everything - this part is harder than losing weight.

My dad’s health scare was really stressful but I said what I needed to say about it to my parents and I let it go. I cried a lot but I didn’t try to interfere.

Likewise, my brother’s divorce. I realize that it is killing my parents - my mother carries it around in her heart. And it has been really difficult for my brother (clearly). I’ve made it very clear to him that I’m around if he needs me - and I keep texting and calling to check in - but that’s it. I’m not trying to fix it. I understand that I can’t. I feel so badly for him but it is what it is.

I’ve given up on trying to understand what’s going on in Amy’s head. I’ve stopped therapy which I know some folks view as a step backwards, but I needed to make sense of this on my own. When I tried to rush her to get out of the car the other day, she looked at me very seriously and said, “Mom, I’m just a little girl.” And wham, it hit me. She is. Yeah, it seems obvious, but if you think that, you don’t know Amy.

Similarly, I refuse to listen to those who tell me what a terrible mistake I’m making by letting Charlie dictate whether he goes to school. Call me a pushover if you want but I just can’t think of any reason to make him go. I seriously doubt he’ll be screaming at the entrance to Harvard, “No, I don’t want to go to school!” And as much as I’d love to have some time to myself to get some things done, it’s not necessary since I work mostly from home these days anyway. The trauma is simply not worth it right now - I have bigger fish to fry. This week, I read that I’m not the only mom in the same situation; somehow, that makes me feel a lot better.

Katie continues to love school. Her Back to School Night was this evening and she couldn’t have been more excited. It was good to see her this enthused about school. My fears about the school year are slowly slipping away.

I’m learning to say no. I’m making the effort to not allow people to make me feel replaceable. I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to be opinionated and passionate about things.

It has been a long summer. And sometimes a painful one. But definitely productive. These revelations, these actions, they are coming in baby steps. But they’re coming.

The conversation went, more or less, something like this:

…but I don’t think they like me. I tried… but I think they just didn’t want to talk me.

And yes, it was on the playground. And no, it wasn’t Katie. And it wasn’t Amy. It wasn’t me, either, even though you know I’ve been down this road before. It was a friend. And the others? Also friends.

What do you say when your friends don’t seem to get along? Or worse yet, when your friends’ kids don’t get along?

Before kids, this was easy. I usually just invited everyone to everything and hoped for the best. Happy hours were large, casual events. With a drink in hand, almost everyone found someone to talk to.

But when kids crept in, things changed. There was always the one roaming eye in conversations, trying to keep up with chatting and watching the kid(s) at the same time. The bragging started (”my daughter is already potty trained… how long has it been since you started trying?”), the defense mechanisms kicked in (”but then, our family has always been small”) and social events just became, quite frankly, less enjoyable. As time went on, you could add to already awkward moments, the added complications of different schools, day cares and athletic leagues. The result? A full blown separation.

I remember, in law school, when Chris was wary about me meeting his college friends. They were so different from his law school friends - and me. We used to regularly joke whenever we came close to mixing company that it was “worlds colliding” a la Seinfeld. And eventually, it all worked out.

But with kids, it never feels like it will work out. My circle of friends is odd, I’ll admit, pulling from a lot of different worlds. And I never expected that everyone would get along all of the time. But I find the polarity - and sometimes the glaring omissions at parties and other events - tough to take sometimes.

Not only do I feel weird for my friends, I feel weird for me, too. When I can’t sort out my own social circle, it makes me feel like I don’t quite fit either - if I’m not 100% crunchy/focused on career/churchy/mommycentric/crafty/kept/trendy/earthy/casual/chic - who am I exactly?

Sigh. Why can’t everyone just get along?

It’s Make It Through the Week Monday!

Today’s thing that makes me smile is…

Amy’s hair!

To play along, check out the details and send me a note or post in the comments in order to play along - and don’t forget to visit the blogs in the sidebar!

It’s Make It Through the Week Monday! I know I’ve been sporadic about posting my MITTWM’s photos but it’s been kind of crazy lately.

It’s baseball season which means two things:

1. The Phillies will inevitably get close to the playoffs and not make it;
2. I will want to go to a game but not be able to afford the huge balloon loan to take a family of five to a game these days.

But, back in the day, we did go. And here’s one of my favorite pictures ever, of Katie at her first Phillies game.

If you want to play along, here are the rules. Check out the blog roll on the sidebar.

It’s Make It Through the Week Monday! For details, read how it started. The blogroll is still small right now (check it out in the sidebar), so c’mon, join and add to the fun!

Today’s thing that makes me smile is…

Three things:

1. Katie
2. Amy
3. Coffee

Okay, they’re not drinking coffee in this picture. It’s hot chocolate. We are a hot beverage family.

Last night, when Amy was fighting going to sleep, this is what she said, “MOM-MEEEE! I need something to drink. I’m THURSSTEEE!” And then a pause. “I need a hot cup of coffee.”

God bless her.

Welcome to the meme! For details, read how it started. The blogroll is tiny right now (check it out in the sidebar), so c’mon, join and add to the fun!

Today’s thing that makes me smile is…

LYLE!

Okay, I know that some of you are meme shy. But as part of my efforts to pull myself out of my funk, I thought it would be fun to try a new meme.

It’s easy to participate. Just post a photo on your blog of something that makes you smile or gets you through the week. It could be your kids, your sweetie, Penn State football (hey, do I know my audience or what?), a martini, Luke Wilson… It’s up to you (but no porn, please - my mother might be reading)! And each week on Monday, you do it again with a new photo. In this way, we’re spreading the blogging love.

I’ll add you to the blogroll if you want to participate (so long as you do it at least once every couple of weeks or so). If you want to play along, post a comment below or send an email and I’ll send you the blogroll code.