lawmummy

The house is quiet this morning.

Katie is back at school after being home for the Jewish high holidays. Being home for the holidays is particularly stressful when you don’t celebrate said holidays… Then, you’re just home. Of course, the weather has been terrible - rainy and stormy - something for which Katie has placed the blame squarely on me.

Amy is also back at school after a quick trip yesterday to Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia to see the cardiologist. The results were positive, nothing to worry about. Her biggest fear? “Ms. Betty Anne will call my name and they will have to say ‘absent!’”

Charlie made noise about not wanting to go to school today, but walked in, backpack in hand with nary a fuss. He made a last ditched effort to leave, telling me that he was “ready to go” but I convinced him that his friends needed help putting together a railroad track. He shrugged his shoulders, said, “Well, okay” and walked off.

I walked back to the house with all kind of grand plans for the morning, none of which materialized. Oddly, I don’t really care. I have been running myself ragged over the past month or so. I needed a moment to not feel responsible for anything or anyone. I needed to drink some cold coffee (not on purpose but I was desperate for caffeine) and think.

In the midst of it all, a friend texted me, sounding like she needed to chat, so we did. For quite a bit, actually. And it was oddly therapeutic for me.

She is kind of where I had been awhile ago - my head not quite on straight, worried about money and the kids and my relationship with Chris. And although I know it sounded patronizing, I found myself uttering the words, “It will get better.” And I believed it.

Nothing is easy. And sometimes, things feel insurmountable. When you pile on thing after thing, it’s easy to get lost. And for the last year or so, I have felt very, very lost. Vulnerable. Discounted. Unappreciated. Worthless. I felt like I was just stumbling through every day and barely hanging on - some days, I wondered what would happen if I just kept driving down the highway. I wanted to get away from everything. It was a dark, miserable place to be.

And while I was feeling all of this, the bad news and the bad feelings kept piling on. My dad’s health declined at the same time that my mom’s health was also going south. My brother announced he was getting a divorce. Our move fell through. I was worried about Katie’s school. Amy’s sleep issues were getting worse. The house had a plague for five months (damn parasites). I began to hate work. Blogging and writing were no longer sources of comfort, they were chores. I had a falling out with some of my neighbors and the results were painful. I felt lonely. And resentful. And cynical. And scared.

I had no joy.

Things needed to change. Chris, often wiser than I give him credit for (and don’t you dare tell him that I said so), knew it, too. You have to, he would say, take some time off for you. I would, being the martyr, argue that I couldn’t. Really, it was that I wouldn’t. I think I was afraid of what would happen if things changed. As bad as they felt, they could always get worse, right?

But then I thought about what I was doing to my kids. I have always prided myself on being a good mom. But I wasn’t being a good mom. I was stressed and short with them. I yelled a lot. A lot. I didn’t have it in me emotionally to be the “fun mom” and physically, I was so out of shape that I had no stamina to play much.

I realized that I was exactly who I had never wanted to be: the fat, bitter mom that sat on the sidelines at everything yelling at her kids and blaming the world for everything.

And that wasn’t really me.

It just wasn’t.

And I resolved to make it stop.

The easiest change was physical. I started exercising more and eating better. I even joined Weight Watchers online. As of this morning, I weigh 33 pounds less than I did in spring. That is as much as Amy weighs. I feel better. I eat better. I’m more active. I run, I walk, I play soccer with the kids. I am not as tired as I used to be.

I look better. At my low point, I was struggling to button my size 16 jeans. This morning, my size 12 skinny jeans were drooping a bit in the back. I may be getting size 10 jeans soon. I haven’t worn a size 10 for almost 15 years.

I was so ready for a change when the weight started dropping that I wanted more. Last month, on a whim, while waiting for my kids to get their hair cut, I cut mine. All off. It’s short and sassy now, like I used to be. I love it.

But like I said, that was the easy part. It’s much harder to fix your heart and your mind.

I started with trying to eliminate some of my stresses. You know, those things that I swore that I had to do but I didn’t really. I let them go a little at a time. Last week, I let the biggest one go - my job as a Channel Editor at b5media. It was a job that I initially enjoyed. And I loved my bloggers at the Business Channel, such a great group of folks. But the job was time consuming - and not in a good way. Changes were happening at the company and I wasn’t on board with a lot of them. And the great sense of community, the one that I used to look forward to every morning? It fell apart. Mistrust and lack of respect ran deep. It was eating away at me. So I resigned. Yesterday was the first day in more than a year that I wasn’t responsible for checking my email every five seconds, I didn’t have any fires to put out, I didn’t have to figure how to spin bad news. It was officially not my problem. And it was a wonderful feeling.

I changed my workload at the office. I decided not to take any new clients for a bit, I have more than enough to keep busy. And despite that horrible feeling that I should, must, absolutely take every case that walks through my door, I have stuck to it.

And little by little, I’m trying to find my joy again.

I’ve realized through all of this, that no matter how unfair life seemed, how much it felt like everything was out of control, it was always me who allowed myself to fall apart. I made the decision that I wasn’t worth taking care of, that it was okay for people to take advantage of me, that maybe the person that told me that I got what deserved was right. That was all me. All of it.

Monday was my birthday. Every year for my birthday, Chris makes me a photo album - the coolest gift ever. This year, he had to make two. And last night, as I was looking through the books, I was terribly sad. I realized, staring at pictures, that I lost nearly a year of my life. I actually could not remember some of the events in the album - our trip to Gettysburg, for example. I have been so overwhelmed by everything that I wasn’t in the moment for literally weeks on end. And I can tell: I am not smiling in a single picture.

But not anymore. I’m focusing on my energy on getting better. I don’t want to become that bitter person who allows negativity to eat away from the inside out. I am better than that.

Does this mean that everything is perfect? Of course not. I’m far from where I need to be. But does it mean that I’m trying? Yep. I owe it to my husband and my kids to be a better person. But mostly I owe it to me.

I hope that if you find yourself in a similar situation, you hang on. It will get better. Trust me.

This is what I need: some time to clear my head.

But that’s the funny thing about being a mom, huh? That time to clear your head never really happens. Cause even when you’re off, you’re on as a mother.

Slowly, though, I’m beginning to make sense of some things…

Number one on my list is that I need to take better care of myself. I’ve been whining about it for eons but I really have been making an effort. I’ve kept three doctor’s appointments - three (gynecologist, GP and GP follow-up). That’s a record for me.

I’m taking my vitamins - okay, still not 2x/day because I’m not that good. But I have them in my kitchen and most days, I manage to take at least one.

I’m walking every day, sometimes doing crunches, sometimes running. I have lost (as of today) 29 pounds and I’m down 2 sizes. This is just huge for me. Really huge. My goal is to manage 18 more pounds. If I make it, I’ll be at the best weight for me in maybe 15 years. Fingers crossed.

I’m trying to get out of the pattern of taking everything quite so personally and feeling like I need to fix everything - this part is harder than losing weight.

My dad’s health scare was really stressful but I said what I needed to say about it to my parents and I let it go. I cried a lot but I didn’t try to interfere.

Likewise, my brother’s divorce. I realize that it is killing my parents - my mother carries it around in her heart. And it has been really difficult for my brother (clearly). I’ve made it very clear to him that I’m around if he needs me - and I keep texting and calling to check in - but that’s it. I’m not trying to fix it. I understand that I can’t. I feel so badly for him but it is what it is.

I’ve given up on trying to understand what’s going on in Amy’s head. I’ve stopped therapy which I know some folks view as a step backwards, but I needed to make sense of this on my own. When I tried to rush her to get out of the car the other day, she looked at me very seriously and said, “Mom, I’m just a little girl.” And wham, it hit me. She is. Yeah, it seems obvious, but if you think that, you don’t know Amy.

Similarly, I refuse to listen to those who tell me what a terrible mistake I’m making by letting Charlie dictate whether he goes to school. Call me a pushover if you want but I just can’t think of any reason to make him go. I seriously doubt he’ll be screaming at the entrance to Harvard, “No, I don’t want to go to school!” And as much as I’d love to have some time to myself to get some things done, it’s not necessary since I work mostly from home these days anyway. The trauma is simply not worth it right now - I have bigger fish to fry. This week, I read that I’m not the only mom in the same situation; somehow, that makes me feel a lot better.

Katie continues to love school. Her Back to School Night was this evening and she couldn’t have been more excited. It was good to see her this enthused about school. My fears about the school year are slowly slipping away.

I’m learning to say no. I’m making the effort to not allow people to make me feel replaceable. I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to be opinionated and passionate about things.

It has been a long summer. And sometimes a painful one. But definitely productive. These revelations, these actions, they are coming in baby steps. But they’re coming.

It’s that time of year again. The time when I complain incessantly about the neighbors’ cats.

Let me just say, before the fur starts to fly, that I happen to like cats. I grew up with cats and had one at my house for 21 years. Yep, an old cranky Siamese that I adored. When he passed on, my whole family was devastated. So I don’t loathe cats. I loathe bad cat owners.

I live in the city. I don’t get cat owners who allow their cats to roam in the city - especially without tags and double especially without being spade or neutered.

There is a horrid black and white cat that sits on my porch when the weather begins to turn. He sprays my porch with his nasty cat stink. Nice, huh?

This morning, there he was, sunning himself on my porch. And yes, he stunk the joint up.

Any thoughts on this? I mean, besides shooting the cats which is neither humane nor legal. Plus I don’t have a gun.

I can’t take the stink. I can’t take the fur (not to mention, hubby is allergic to cats). And it freaks my dog out - my dog which I keep nicely inside or in the gated back yard.

I keep staring at the screen, thinking that I need to catch everyone up.  There’s a lot in my head but it’s tempered with three weeks of constant vomiting, crying and mystery infections.

Someday.  Hopefully soon.

I know that Madeline will hate me for this… it’s addictive… but you must check out this site.

(hat tip)

That’s right, decativated.

My nonexistent Franklin Mint Credit Union credit card has been “decativated” according to my generic “Dear customer” email today. I’m supposed to call a phone number and give them my “real” personal information.

Jeez, people. Do you really respond to this crap?

Amy learned this song at preschool and it is now one of her favorites. I must say, I’m a bit envious of Thumbkin, as no one seems to realize that he’s simply behind your back. Hmm. How to master this trick…

I’ve missed a few days’ blogging here and there. Things have not settled down at the house.

For one, Amy has this thing. By thing, I mean bug/virus of some description. It is not the same thing as a week and a half ago when she was prescribed antibiotics. The doctor looked at her nose and said, “If you had this much pus anywhere else on your body, you’d treat it” and promptly wrote a prescription for Omnicef.

Ten days-ish later, she has developed a new thing: fever and vomiting. It started last Saturday (sort of) when, just after we finished a lovely dinner, we arrived back at our friends’ house to find Amy under a blanket, complaining of being cold. She was quite feverish. She promptly threw up all over the car seat and our friends’ driveway.

On Sunday, we laid low and by Monday, she appeared to be completely recovered. But that was Monday.

She started off Tuesday by crawling into my bed with another fever. When she was feeling well enough to get up, she proceeded to vomit all over the kitchen, mud room and powder room. On the plus side, we now have a downstairs powder room to vomit in…

Today, she seems better. I, however, feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. Partly getting something. Partly worked too much in the yard on yesterday. I have no Halloween costumes finished yet, but I did move my butterfly bush to the back of the yard (it was too close to the sidewalk), divided a peony, moved a lavender plant that was being choked to death by lantana and weeded/pruned the day away. Chris and Katie were underwhelmed but I think it will look great next spring. Oh, and I ordered two trees for the yard - a Japanese maple (cliche, I know) and a sorrel tree. Fingers crossed.

We terminated our agreement of sale on the new house this week. We have asked for our money back. And now we wait. The sellers are not pleased - but I did notice that the ad for the house was back in the paper on Sunday, so it was hardly unexpected.

On a sad note, our long time vet died of cancer last week. I wish his family much peace.

And that’s the news for now.

Tomorrow, October 16, we will officially take our home off of the market.  You can bet I’ll have lots to say about that later.

In related news, I have continued my “downsizing” of priorities by resigning from one of my volunteer positions.  I have agonized over this decision for months and finally did it last week.  It was time.  And boy, was it ever.  Shortly after I resigned, there were some substantial issues that hit the proverbial fan - there was no way that I could have seen it coming.  But as I sorted through some emails, as much as I wanted to fix things, as much as I thought “if only I…”, I didn’t.  I didn’t do a thing.  It was not my problem.  And you know what?  It was a good feeling.

Instead of being hunched over the computer, firing off emails, or on the phone, I watched “Jakers!” with my two adorable little girls and I held my sick little boy after he had vomited all over his crib and just needed his Mommy.  And his Mommy was there.

Later, I had a glass of wine with my hubby over a dinner of cheese and crackers (really my favorite) and watched “Top Gear” on BBC.  I am now going to bed.

I have a ka-zillion things still to do on my list of things to do.  Actually, it’s a ka-zillion minus one. 

Thanks for your emails wondering how I am…  Sorry for the gap in posting.

Here’s the short skinny:

• Chris is in Germany.
• Amy has started her preschool, three half days per week, loves it but the schedule is wearing for me.
• Katie loves kindergarten.  And she has kindly brought home germs for the rest of the family.
• Amy’s breathing and sleep issues have not improved.  Her doctor has ordered a sleep study.
• My birthday was awesome.  The best part?  I slept until 8:30 am on Sunday.
• My mother is in town.
• I love being channel editor for the Biz Channel at b5.

Um, I know this is short.  But this is all I can manage.  My contacts are actually drying out in my eyes.  I am tired.  And I miss my husband.

I am tired. As in bone-settling tired.

Chris says today, “I know that we are going to have to do this in shifts, but I’m going to need a nap.” The result? Chris napping on the sofa, Charlie napping in his crib, me dealing with fussy girls who refuse to nap - after already having cleaned up the kitchen after lunch and thrown a load of laundry in the wash - the clean laundry is currently sitting in the corner, giving me the “eye”, wondering when I’m going to fold it and put it away. Never! Bwa-hahaha.

Sigh.

It’s rather gray outside and not terribly seasonal. The high is supposed to creep up to 86 today and with the humidity, it just feels gross. We were supposed to pick apples today and have decided to wait, considering the stinky weather.

Hey, Mother Nature, it’s supposed to be September. Sep-tem-ber. You know, the beginning of autumn? Let’s get it together, how bout it?

I have a lot of posts floating around inside my head. And fortunately, I now have pictures to go with some of them. We stopped by the store today and resolved our “pictures trapped inside of our camera” issue.

Sorry for the rambling post. Sipping on some hot tea (yes, despite the temperature) and trying to will the weather into acting like autumn… More later.